Have you ever felt like… the person who means the world to you…who holds your happiness in their hands..often likes to crush it, without even thinking about it?

I am emotional and I’m very sensitive so yes I will cry when I’m upset and I will throw a tantrum from time to time, but when my heart hurts it’s when I’m broken inside and it’s another part of me that will not repair for a long time.  You make me hurt.

Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s because of all the bad things I’ve done to you.  Sometimes I feel like you’re treating me this way because you’re playing some sort of sick game - making me feel loved and then dropping me down… then laughing at me.

Sometimes I will sit there and convince myself that I deserve to be toyed around with because that’s my punishment.  I don’t think I really do deserve love sometimes.  But then I think about how much I do for you and how much I love you and I wonder why I’m even here in the first place.

You won’t know how much I think about you, how much I defend you and how much I break my back just to make you happy.  I don’t have to do those things either, just so you know.  You’re not some God just because you could be bothered to rush a text.

When you’ve upset someone, the point is to say sorry and to say it like you mean it and to be sincere.  If you’ve hurt someone, know that you have to be sensitive.   You should know that after what’s happened to you.  Who’s the insenstive one now?  Or am I right, are you really punishing me?

I hate it when you swear at me and I take offence to it.  I never swear at you, I have never cursed at you since the very beginning rough patch and I thought we were passed that.  I thought you and I were building our relationship back up. 

In the longest time, I’ve stopped thinking about ‘us’ because I thought time will tell.  I didn’t want to obsess and I have to say it’s been bliss.  Here I am again and all I can think of is how angry I am that I’m sitting here upset again.  You and I will never get better because we are completely different people.  The difference is is that we can never agree let alone to agree to disagree.  So it doesn’t matter how much patience I have for you, how many excuses I make for both of us and how much I drive over half asleep to see you…things will never change. 

I used to be quite fond of how passionate our relationship was, and I loved that everything was exciting and I didn’t know whether I would be screaming at you or laughing with you.  Now, I’m bored and very tired.  I’m so tired of it all and to tell you the truth I don’t think it’s worth our time.  I feel like I’ve made you into a monster and you are terrorising me.  I’ve hurt us both and I don’t deserve you and you definitely do not deserve me, despite how much you’ve waited for me and how much you’ve done for me.  Because throughout it all, you have never even had the care to change your ways to make me smile. 

Getting my affection isn’t a battle won because you lost when you left me for that one moment fling.  I took you back because I thought this was us starting again and then you have to cheek to do what you did that morning.  I let it slide…but I wanted to cry.

You are not who I fell madly in love with anymore and I’m not who you want to be with.  I can’t love if there’s nothing left to love. 

These days (more like, nights) I find I cannot sleep.  I want to sleep, boy am I tired, but my sudden thirst for knowledge is taking over me.  For some reason I’m finding a love for reading about things that I would never bother to read about.  I used to be a child who didn’t like to read unless it was Jacqueline Wilson.  I became a teenager who only ‘did’ magazines.  Up until recently I only read easy fiction, blog posts and religiously buried myself in Glamour Magazine but i still could not for the life of me, read something informative without blanking out.

I’m dead tired and need to be up soon but I somehow have convinced myself to read about shampoos and sodium laureth sulphates… What’s going on?!

 - You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think - Christopher Robin

Isn’t it a funny thing?

Does it anger you?

Bring you joy?  Bring tears to your eyes or does it shock you every time?

It’s a sick game… a beautiful, sick game.

Last night I had a dream about you.  But that would make sense seeing as I spent the whole night thinking about you and missing you.

Maybe it’s because I’m not well and feeling extra irrational, but I couldn’t help but let tears roll down my cheeks and onto my pillow.  Needless to say the dream broke my heart when I woke up, because I was dreaming of us reuniting and being the way we should be.  In the dream, we forgave each other and we spent time together with friends and live life.

In reality, that wouldn’t happen, would it?

I detest those dreams that feel so real.  If the dream is wonderful then you wake up disappointed; if the dream is terrifying then you wake up shivering in a cold sweat.  I woke up feeling both of those emotions this morning.

It started on Saturday…OK no it didn’t let’s start from when my eye became bruised…

I spent the whole of Thursday and Friday cleaning my room(s) and if you know me and have ever been unfortunate to come to my house, you may begin to appreciate what a task that would be.  It took me a day for each room and I uncovered so much rubbish it was unbelievable.  It wasn’t just long lost head phones, tights and cuddly toys I found… I was also attacked by a mushroom cloud of dust everywhere I went.  The dust came in forms of smoke, webs, hairy monsters and falling snow. 

Needless the say after day two my eye started to swell up.  For some reason I’ve developed this minor allergy to dust whereby my eyes will begin to feel bruised (they feel like I’ve been punched) and usually they turn a bit black.  These days I have dark eye circles so you can’t even tell but my right eye has managed to swell up and it’s very painful to the touch.

Anyway I was getting on with life normally because a bruised up fat eye can’t stop me from living my life and so I went to work.  On the Saturday I decided to eat a kebab and I remember thinking “wow, this is salty” but dropped it as quickly as it came. 

The next day I noticed as I peeled by eyes open from my slumber that it wasn’t just my eye that was not feeling like normal.  In fact, the whole of my body seemed shattered, and then I yawned; that’s funny, didn’t I just sleep almost 12 hours? 

I had a wedding to attend that day so i got on without fuss; I was feeling tired and sleepy but what’s new?  The day went on fine but my eye hurt and eventually the weakness in me began to fade.

So I get home and feeling very tired I manage to crawl into bed and fall asleep from the moment my head crashed into my pillow.

This morning I’ve woken up with shakey limbs and such low energy levels and it feels even lower than usual.  I decided to vlog about it and I couldn’t handle it anymore, I flopped into bed with the sun shining on my swollen face and nodded off.

Four hours later I’ve woken up, the sun is still doing it’s thing except it’s now windy and my cat seems to be enjoying that.
I laid in bed for a long time and read the comments I got and a lot of them asked questions about the situation so I thought I’d answer them quickly.

Firstly,yes it could be anaemia (or an iron deficiency if you may) because my Mum has this problem but I’ve never felt it before.  To be honest she has never ‘felt’ it either but the doctor says she is low on iron.  Either way, it’s kind of strange considering for the past month I’ve been taking vitamin pills religiously and this happens - so I’m almost going to rule that one out, for now.

Secondly, there is a chance I’m having some funny reaction to an excess of Salt or MSG.  After yesterdays wedding banquet (and it was a banquet- no joke) I’m feeling particularly bad.  Which brings me onto my third point.

I have  been drinking plenty of water and more than usual hence why I’m dragging myself to the loo every five minutes.  So I’m doing all that I feel that can be done if this was the possibility.

Next, it has been suggested that I have ME or Glandular Fever …No, I don’t think so.  No gland problems and I’m doubting it’s ME… at least my brain won’t let me think its ME anyway.

I have been eating clean and well.  I made a conscious decision to cut out processed food today and go clean and low on the salt.  It’s going good; if I don’t feel better in a few days time, at least I will have lost some weight.  (and if I don’t there’s no helping me).

It’s not food poisoning. 

It may be the ‘bug’ but I know what ‘bugs’ feel like, this ain’t no bug.

Oh and I’m not drunk although I was a bit happy last night.

So I was typically emotional today when Mum showed little sympathy… as usual.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a long time now and I thought I’d briefly share it with you.

When I was a child I was a weak duckling and the first one to fall to any illness going around would be yours truly.  Mum was never too affectionate when I was young because she spent all her energy working so I took it as a given that if you’re ill, you suck it up.  Either way, I grew up always loving a bit of affection and sympathy because when it came round, it always perked me up and made me feel loved. 

Anyway the older I get, the more she seems to be ignoring anything bad that happens to me.  It’s an on going ‘joke’ in my house that Mum loves my Sister more than she loves me.  At one point we established that it was normal for Mums to naturally have favourites even though she loved all her children.  I can understand that, I’m a grown adult and these things compute well in my EQ-enriched mind.  I get it. 

However, it’s times like these that become apparent that it may actually be a lot more true than I realise.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I had two cents to my brain, I may actually begin to think she doesn’t care, but I know she does.  She just has a funny way of showing it.  I guess that’s where I get it from.

I find that actually she taunts me a bit when I’m not well.  She will tell me to suck it up and she will get on with life.  But as usual, and this happens in ALL situations of life, she jumps the moment my Sister is unwell/unhappy/wanting something and there is so much sympathy and help.

You might think I’m being sensitive but I’ve accounted for that; either way it makes me sad.  I know she doesn’t do it on purpose but it still hurts me a bit. 

Often I find that she talks about my sister a lot and when I ask my sister if she talks about me, little comes back my way. 

I mean maybe it has something to do with that because I seem like an emotionally strong person, she thinks that I will always be OK.  So much that when tears came down my face, she thought it was a joke.  I told her to ‘go away’ because she wasn’t helping and with a smile, she turned on the balls of her feet and told me she was going to play computer. 

As I sat there, slightly devastated and trying to ignore my emotions, I could hear her playing games in her bedroom.

I know I’m too old to be getting upset at these things but when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and unwell, lonliness is easily brought upon us and everything hurts a lot.

I think I was more cross that she kept going on about going out to eat when I told her:

a) No, I’m worried about the salt
b) I can’t move, I’m tired
c) We have no money and shouldn’t be spending it on going out to eat
d) That I was unwell and needed some help.

I realise that she’s always been a bit insensitive but that just made me cry.

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